The art of being awake

Moving towards the end of 2011 I’ve had many ideas coming to mind for new paintings.  And while exploring the shapes, colours and textures for the paintings, I was reminded that these expressions are like a mirror for other aspects within me and in a larger universal context.   I am often amazed and re-energized at how being awake to the internal conversations and experiences within myself, the ones that make my chest expand with deep and renewed breath, can stem from acts as simple as exploring words or adding paint to a blank canvas.

One painting started as an image of a universe expanding across space.  And as I started to work on it, it started to morph into something different and something more.  It’s now spreading into three universes, each separate and yet intermingling and exchanging energy by their very existence.  And it got me thinking, is this exchange of energy and this intermingling of spaces conscious or unconscious?  Does it even matter?  I figure it likely changes with each person as the creator of their universe.  

Conscious of it or not does not change the fact that by existing, by living, by breathing each of us impacts the space within us and around us.  Do we become more or less because of this?  Does the answer change based on our awareness, on our being awake and present to ourselves? 

Is it possible to become less without being awake to the change?  It reminds me of the old adage to watch what friends/company you keep.  So, if it is possible to become less, then it must be equally be possible to become more without being awake and aware to it. 

Do parents, children, lovers, spouses, siblings, friends, colleagues, strangers know that they are constantly connecting with others and that this connection affects multiple levels?  On the surface it an interaction with someone outside of ourselves and on a deeper level the interaction acts as an external/physical experience of their connection to Self; a symbiotic flow of energy.  Hence the notion that what you put out in the world is what will come back to you.   I know and have recently experienced that there is no hiding place, no amount of sleep, of keeping busy to distraction that will prevent my experience of my truth from eventually find me. 

Over the past two months my language internally within myself has evolved and shifted.  Back in the fall two words came to me and they came with feelings of sadness and being uncomfortable:  drowning & inescapable.  At that time, when writing, I felt that I was drowning that I had already drowned and that a cyclical & repetitive pattern was inescapable; hopeless.  And as I continue to sit with these words, and continued to engage with myself in each day and through a great session in December, suddenly these two same words popped into my consciousness and with completely different meanings and feelings for me.  It became clear to me that I was drowning in myself, that I am completely saturated with the very essence that is me.  And I noticed this peaceful feeling when I suddenly came to understand that no matter when I go, I am not lost and I am not alone because I am inescapable.  

These days I experience myself as more aware of language in my own mind, in my conversations with others, and I frequently ask myself Where am I now as I continue to become more?  Do I continue to be present, involved and committed to my choices, to the very act of choosing?  Yes, I am.

Baby step vs Giant leap

Last weekend, just as I was awakening from my sleep, I became aware of these feelings and perceptions about the environment in which I work.  For the most part I perceive my colleagues as being somewhat apprehensive of change, definitely not open the massive change that can be akin to flying or free falling.

In order to help bring about change in this space, I take what for me feels like an incremental/baby step, and for them seems to be viewed as a giant leap.

So, I asked one of my favourite questions.   How is this about me?  Where am I doing this in my own life?  Where am I taking a small step forward, feeling that it’s a giant leap? 

And then it came to me:  what is the difference between a baby step and a giant leap?  It’s all my perception and how I choose to see my reality.  It reminds of a discussion months ago about being able to manifest inside the box vs. outside the box and a friend reminded me that there is no box in the first place, except for the one I create for myself.   It’s the same with baby steps vs. giant leaps.  The difference between the two only exists if I choose to create and sustain it.   

Is there a need to label and perceive them as two separate things?  For me now in the space, after this internal conversation with myself, there is no need to hold them as two different and distinct things. 

After all, it’s all movement and flow!

Actually enjoying work??

Over these past few days I have been quite surprised — in a good way — to find that I am enjoying what I have created for myself in returning to work.  True, it’s not the same experience of waking up whenever I want, sitting outside enjoying the sun, spending time during the day painting, exploring, visiting with family and friends.  No more afternoon naps. 

And yet I find that I am almost excited – at least feeling a new sense of energy and hopefulness – at having the opportunity to create something new within the organization.  This is an opportunity I created by choosing to leave and take a break.  By taking a break I gave myself the time and space to relax, to move at a difference pace.  By taking a break, my colleagues had the opportunity to evaluate what was really important to them.  Did they want to complete the project; was it meaningful for the organization?  When I started thinking about returning to work, I became clear about what I needed in order for my role to be meaningful to me, and as it turns out, my boss and others agreed. 

In my experience during this first week back, people seem excited at the framework I am creating, at seeing what may be possible for the portfolio, for their teams, and even for them within a larger context and longer term view. 

It’s been a great experience this week and definitely different from what I was expecting.   And while I was sure I didn’t want to work, and equally sure that I needed to, I allowed myself to take the time, space and stillness to just breathe and listen for came up within me.  And in this moment, I know that the process of breathing and listening has given me this current experience, which is obviously what I need in this moment.  Yet another example of learning there are so many possibilities.  I can paint and experience people valuing my art.  I can work in a “job” where I have the space to create something and enjoy my time there.  Who knew?

It all makes me excited to see else I can create and experience as possible for me!

The most amazing pink & red lava flowing through the sky

The flowing evening sky_Toronto, CA

For me, this first week of September has been full of changes and shifts.  The weather here in Toronto changed and became much cooler.  Children returned to school.  I returned to work after a summer of doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.  It was as if Summer left and Fall arrived practically overnight. 

And then on the evening of September 6th,  I suddenly became aware of this most amazing view.  The sky was a vibrant pink & red, with so much depth and texture, it seemed like the sky was made of lava.  I distinctly remember a sensation and awareness that it truly felt as though water, pink & red water, was flowing through the sky, rippling as it ran over rocks and pebbles.  The sight of the evening sky instantly brought a deep inhilation and a need to somehow capture what I was seeing.  Here are some of the pictures from that perfect moment.

Swirling Pink, Red and Purple clouds

What do I want?

What do I really, truly want? 

I have been sitting with this question for over a week now, and still there is some rumbling, some things moving around and some sparks of Aha! this is what I want.  After years of daydreaming similar to the Lotto 649 ads “just imagine”, I was sure I had a ready and detailed answer.  And to my surprise, I didn’t.  When I first asked myself “what do I want?” I was surprised that some vivid & specific image didn’t immediately pop to mind. 

As I asked myself this question I had this image of Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz clicking her heels three times while wearing the ruby slippers and asking for what she wanted…there’s no place like home.  And it got me to thinking, what will I choose to create for myself in this moment?  Right now, if I were to click my heels 3 times what would I declare, create and manifest?  What comes to me is that I want MORE of what I am currently experiencing.  More time spent in conversation with friends, more time sitting quietly, more time painting, more time traveling and exploring, more time with this flowing feeling of freedom.  Being in this new space I’ve created for myself, I often find myself saying:  So this is what is feels like to breathe; this is what it feels like to be alive.  And as I am struck with this feeling and the deep breathe that follows, I am aware that this feeling has not been present in me through most of my life experiences to date. 

I want to live ALIVE, with intention, with passion and with purpose. 

I want to experience being alive with abundance, ease, flow and a life that has the luxury I enjoy.  I have noticed with much greater awareness over the past year how much I truly enjoy the comfort, the feel, the taste and the texture of what I hold as luxury.  It helps me to understand why certain things have felt very meaningful to me even when I wasn’t able to articulate the why.

I want to continue engaging with people I know who are committed to living alive, and finding new people who have this same passion.  For me there is a beat and a vibration to people who live with passion, and for me this vibration is absent in those who live without awareness and intention.

I want to find a partner I can share these experiences with; a man who is generous, creative and engages life from the starting point of possibilities & abundance.  And most importantly, a man who is awake, aware and present to himself.

It’s interesting to me that one of the first things to come to me is about living with purpose.  I used to hold “purpose” as being connected with doing, working and being productive.  I am done with work, with working, obligation and trading my time – my life – to a job for money.  And while exploring this whole topic it came to me:  isn’t not doing and instead simply being and living Alive a purpose?  Yes it absolutely it is, and in this moment it is my purpose. 

And so I continue to sit with this moving around inside me.  Sitting with this question has been an interesting and fascinating experience for me.  I’ve noticed that while I sit, ask and write, my breating is much deeper and fuller.  My chest and my ribs feel like they are expanding.  I feel an inner strength, a groundedness.  I notice that I feel excited to consider what I may create, who else I may choose to become, and I feel very relaxed in just allowing this to come to me in whatever time and way they do.  I feel very content in knowing that there is always more.  Whatever it is, I know it’s going to be exactly what I want and what I choose for myself.

Experiencing a new space

I recently decided to stop working, enjoy the summer and create a space for me to just BE.  When deciding to not renew my contract I had no idea of what to expect next, I just knew that if I wanted to allow for possibilities and experiences of something different, I  could not do this from the same space of working all day and leaving only a few hours to myself in the evenings. 

This is my first week of taking a break and not working.  I feel a restlessness, as if I should be “doing something” and having no idea of what they may be, and to be honest, feeling no desire to “do” anything right now.  For now, I am sitting here overlooking my balcony, seeing the sun, and trees and sitting with many ideas of what I may choose to create next:  art classes, walking around the city, exploring places I have never seen or haven’t made time to see for a while, spending time engaging with friends, meeting new people, painting in the evenings; simply connecting to even more of who I am. 

What I’ve noticed this week is that it took 3 or 4 days before I did not immediately wake up around the time of my usual alarm clock wake up time.  I’ve been busy meeting up with friends that I haven’t seen for a while.  I’ve been feeling restless with too much internal conversation in my head , some pressure in my mind that I should start planning for whatever is to come next, and not wanting to plan anything and instead allow things to flow.   Interestingly enough, even with the feeling that I should be planning my next job and figuring out what I will be doing, there has been no panic, no fear about not having enough.  I’m aware of a very settled feeling that I can create abundance for myself.  So, then why this need, this push to create more of the same instead of anything else?

What I feel most in this moment is a need to be quiet and still.  Today I’ve been much more aware of the movements of my body, my muscles and tissue as I breathe.  And so I sit in this space, knowing that because of the simple act of being connected to myself and voicing my own truth of this moment, things are already moving and shifting.   I willingly embrace and submit to the easiness of it all.  So simple… breathing is good!